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The Seven Kinds of Houses You Don't Want to Buy

The Luddite Manor :

Some contractors haven't quite heard about all the new technology we've invented in the 20th and 21st century, and how we'd actually like to use some of it. The whole house has three outlet sockets, one phone line, and no setup for cable, satellite, or Internet. Socrates would feel right at home here; but members of later centuries will spend more money retrofitting this shack than they would building a new one from scratch.

The Bohemian Pad :

Artists are wonderful people, as long as you don't have to live with them. A house that was owned by an artist will forever bear his or her mark and not your own. Which would be great for buying Michelangelo's old digs, but will suck when taking over a house from one of those flaky new-agey artists who like to challenge what we mean by "art". Be prepared for things like a stove painted in polka-dots, a scary arrangement of doll heads mounted on candelabras in the attic, a very creative approach to "fixing" the plumbing that went on for years, and 400 pounds of scrap iron in the weedy back yard which he was saving for a "project".

The Redneck Ranch :

In some parts of the world, a single-story ranch home is considered classy. And these are just the places you don't want to live. Building with a rustic design shouldn't exclude sanitation or a good foundation, but apparently it does. When you have plugged the fortieth hole that you've found that's letting the warm air out in the winter, when you've given up on ever getting the stink of old dog out of the bedroom, and you come to the realization that a gravel yard is simply another way to be too lazy to tend grass, you'll start to lose your appreciation for "down-home" living in favor of living like somebody who's heard of shoes and dentists.

The Gerrymandered Home :

Wow, this neighborhood is experiencing a real Renaissance! Why, there hasn't been a shooting in weeks, they did a great job installing those new streetlights, and just look at that street, will you! Why, the biggest pothole in it is only the size of a wheelbarrow. And the house itself has been marvelously restored after the meth lab fire. You can try to take on this civic challenge of a home, or you can decide that you'll support society through the usual Unicef donation and not stake your place of residence on a social project that could dry up any minute.

The Central Base :

You have to watch for this one in the ads. "Convenient to airport", "close to shopping and schools", and "seconds from the highway exit" can all be taken to the extreme of having the planes over your roof, the shops in front of your house, and the highway exit ramp ending at your yard. Easy access is a good thing for you to have to the city; not such a good thing for the city to have to you. A fact you'll appreciate when the basketball from the community center over the fence bounces off your house every morning.

The "Improved" Home :

Bah on those silly plumbers and electricians? What would they have learned at their prissy school that the rest of us couldn't dope out with a copy of "Home Repairs for Half Wits"? You don't know how bad it gets until you've seen a home that has been held hostage by a dedicated "do-it-yourselfer", which actually means that they were too stinking cheap to pay anybody to fix anything. The creative approach they take to everything, what with the exposed wiring, strategic glue and duct tape, and stacks of bricks doing important jobs like holding the furnace up! You'll be impressed with the resourcefulness, but will wish it was anybody else but you who has to tear out the "repairs" and Battlestar Galactica them right.

The McMansion :

It looks good at first glance. Even if Elvis an exact clone of its neighbors for miles in either direction, it's decently presentable for the price. But if you own it, you will discover that it is built very cheaply, by contractors who basically make a punk biker gang look responsible. Test it out: does the door come in more than one part? When you turn the kitchen tap, does the whole faucet turn with it? Is there more than three ways to open a window? Does the house sag when it rains? You might want to pass this one by.

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posted by besnda @ 5:49 AM